How Control Controls Us

By ABHA IYENGAR

Very often we are asked to “let go.” We wonder what it is we have to let go, because there are so many things, persons, values, moralities -- the list is endless -- that we clutch onto for dear life. What strap can we let go without falling off the speeding train of life?

The most controlling thing that would be good to let go is control. Our need to control is so rampant that even without appearing to do so, or believing that we do so, we make it happen. We will not allow others to live their lives, or make their decisions on their own, even if they are adults. We say we do this out of love, but we need to assess this love, whether it is our love for that person, or our love to control that person’s thoughts, desires and ideas and bring them under our own little fringe.

There is this new advertisement by a mobile company which sells its product by talking: bringing life under remote control! People already do it; the new gadget just makes it so much easier. I know of young adults who live far away from home but are constantly called on their mobiles to remind them about things. A straightforward, case in point is of a lady who calls her daughter everyday and says, “Drink your milk in the morning before going to class; you know you need calcium for your bones.” The young lady who is being reminded is a lecturer in college, but she cannot think this out for herself. Obviously! The words maybe falling off this particular duck’s back because she is out of the vicinity and cannot be compelled by her mom to drink milk. But, what of those hapless folks who leave home every morning with these words following them? This is not love; it is that need to control.

We need to give up our desire to feel important through the roles we play, and channelise that attention towards our own selves. Men exercise control over women by denying them free speech and decision-making in family affairs, women control the workings of the kitchen and find it difficult to hand over the reins to their young daughter/s-in-law. The boss will not delegate work for fear of losing control over his/her status and hold over the project. The old order needs to change to let our younger folks to breathe. It’s right here that one has to learn to let go.

True loving stems from realising the identity of another. It gives space and respect to another viewpoint and acknowledges the ability of another to lead his/her own life.

True love does not smother and control; it advises once, and just “lets” go. We cannot lead another person’s life for him/her. We must lead our own life and learn to give freedom to others to do so. In this way we can free ourselves, too -- more so, when we “let go” our bondage of control.