The Saga Of Romance

By GAYATRI PAGDI

It’ll soon be Valentine’s Day, again. We will see a lot of loving all around the world.

To love and be loved is one of the simplest and, at the same time, the trickiest of human behaviours.

Many of us like to believe that falling in love is something beyond our control. Psychiatrists say that this isn’t so. Apparently, everyone has an unconscious internal programme which helps them determine who s/he is attracted to.

What seems like an inexplicable, or even an irrational reaction, is actually a complicated, split-second sequence of events. The minute we lock eyes with Mr Right or Ms Right, our eye contact triggers things up and down our spine, or in our stomach. They are our sensors checking against that internal programme within us, even before we realise what’s going on. It is our subconscious that is doing the screening for us. Once our internal programme clears the person, the conscious process of love begins.

The Colour Of Love

Love comes in so many hues… the intense feeling of attraction that overwhelms you, the gentle hue of acceptance of everything about our object of love, the deep, pure feeling which grows with time, or the colour of desperation, or an association on a rebound, the murky need to indulge in power play, to make deals, the need to love someone, so that you start loving yourself… No matter what the hue, love goes through its designed phases. The initial, or the honeymoon, phase, of course, is the best of all.

Given a choice, none of us would want this honeymoon to end. But, in the process of trying to prolong it, we are often scared of showing what we truly feel -- of letting our imperfections show. We don’t want to be in a vulnerable position where we might be rejected. Only a few of us have the courage to be ourselves in front of the one who we are attracted to. And, since we don’t let them see our imperfections, we don’t allow them to show us theirs. When this happens, we have shut off love.

For love to be fulfilling, sharing, giving and accepting have to replace pressures and expectations, and the fear of losing another person. It is this fear that makes the dangers of a relationship crumble, very real, very soon.

The only way we can save our love is by letting the other person know what we are feeling. It’s important to verbalise feelings because when you share your doubts, or your vulnerability, you encourage the other person to do the same. It is only by this “give and take” of the real feelings can your bond become stronger.

What destroys a relationship is the lack of communication and dishonesty. Dishonesty is one of the many things that blocks love, the other is not loving yourself enough.

Feel Worthy

Only when we love ourselves can we give love to another, or else we end up wanting to be loved so that our self-image gets better. The love that we have for ourselves, the respect that we give ourselves, is the nucleus of all motivation of love. If you love yourself, you feel worthy, if you have great self-esteem, you are comfortable with who you are and you are an overall emotionally- competent person. An emotionally-competent person is in the best position to love somebody else without expectations, demands and pressures.

Negative emotions like fear, anger and grief stem from lack of love for oneself. When you love yourself, you feel complete and at peace -- you make the best creative use of the energy of your feeling. It allows you not only to care but also to be spontaneous and full of fun. To give an expression to this person within yourself, and to help someone else join you in the journey of joy, is the essence of loving.

For this Valentine’s Day make sure that you love yourself enough before you say those three magical words to someone.

It’s also nice that one doesn’t have to wait for February to fall in love.

There’s nothing like loving and being loved for all seasons. It’s the best natural therapy, or prescription, for good health and well-being!